A brief peep into my thoughts

On May 3 of 2015 my Husband and I separated for an unknown reason to me still to this day. I thought that things were fine, but according to him, they were jacked up. I went through all the stages of grief and have managed to continue on raising my three boys on my own. He does contribute with a settled upon amount every month to help with support for the kids, but I have them everyday, all day. He spends very little time with them so I don't get out much, but I don't complain because my children mean everything to me. I guess what I struggle with most is how a man can be in his children's lives for most of their life and decide one day, I'm gone. I stayed angry for most of this time up until about a couple of weeks ago. I now understand that if a person want you in their life, they WILL make time for you. They won't have excuses to throw your away every time you question their actions. I have remained alone and that is by choice. He, on the other hand, chose to move on with someone else and that hurt me to my core. I should have recognized from day one that he was a flight risk, but ignored all the signs because I loved him. I struggle with the fact that my family is torn apart, but I have grown so much because of it. His words and actions made me see my marriage in an entirely different light. What I saw as a beautiful union was not that at all. I was being controlled and manipulated for over 17 years and just could not come to terms with that because I felt that this man that I bore children for and waited on hand and foot would have treated me better. He played a role of a person with amnesia and acted like I was the only wrong person in the whole mess. I do have my faults, but I can own up to them. I don't blame him entirely for us being apart. 

Since he has been gone, I am the sole person in charge and it was a bit unbearable at first. I had no clue as to how to raise three growing boys on my own. I had never lived alone without him by my side to make me feel safe and secure. I had to face the world alone and confused. I buried my face in my pillow many nights and flooded it with my tears. I screamed out in fear and grief for all that was to come now that he was gone for good. I fought with the demons in my head on a daily basis. Temptations to just move on with someone else right away and build a new life were strong, but I resisted for my children's sake. There was no outside help, no one was in the position to assist me with anything. And still to this day, that remains true. But, through all of these long, lonely nights I have learned to love myself and trust only myself. I know that I have only myself to depend on in such a difficult time in my life. 

My Husband has treated me like a stranger on the street and felt no sympathy for me. At first, that perplexed and infuriated me, but I never once treated him any different. I still respected him and always will. I had to learn that everyone loves differently. He may have had love for me, but I don't think he was ever really IN love with me. Sad, but true. Even though he still tries to keep my love burning for him just in case things don't work out as he planned, I refuse to give him anymore of my love that is genuine. I gave him too much and he took it for granted. He has always been able to take advantage of me because of my soft heart. I have a very tough exterior, but he knows that deep inside I am just as soft as cotton. He knows all of my weaknesses, my deepest secrets, and my fears. On the other hand, I know none of his because he has always hidden his true self from me. He presented the real him when we split. I saw the ugly monster rear its head in rare form. I couldn't believe one person could be so cruel and heartless, but he made me see that differently. 

I have accepted the fact that he will come one day and ask for the divorce, that dreaded thing, but I will be ready. I feel like I have been through the worst of it. I have smiled on days when I just wanted to jump off a bridge and end it all. I have left the house to be around people when I just wanted to curl up and cry all day and night. I have held my head high when I just wanted to fall to my knees with the weight of the pain inside. I had very few people to actually talk to about what I was feeling because nobody really wanted to be bothered with my situation. I resorted to talking to myself in my head and writing. It was the only way I could remain sane. My children were hurting and so was I. I couldn't even help them through their pain because I was no good even to myself. I just wanted to get away from him, far away. There were no options to be able to do just that so I had to remain and suck it up. 

Every time I think back on my decision to put his things out of the house and tell him to go on, I know it was the right choice. I miss him, but I'm happy without him, too. He put all the stresses of our marriage on me to deal with alone when we were together. Never once did he try to ensure that I was truly happy. He brought gifts for special days, but that was not what made me happy. I needed him to be more loving towards me, defend me, feel my pain, and love me beyond measure. I expected too much and ended up with less. I do have my children and that is what drives me to fight. They help with keeping a smile on my face during the bad days and encourage me when I'm on a very low day. They have had outbursts and behavior changes since he left, but that hasn't stopped me from giving them my love and undivided attention. 

Holidays are the toughest, but we managed to get through every one without a tear shed. We tried to keep traditions going that were instilled when he was around because it takes us to a happy place. They will be adults before I know it, so I have dedicated my time to enjoying them while they still want to enjoy me. I am thankful to have such wonderful young men in my life and pray that I can have many, many more with them. They give me peace in this cruel world. I'm just so happy that I am able to carry on without him and didn't fail. I kept God at the head of my life and will keep the faith that one day I will find the man that he truly wanted me to be with. I feel like God removed my Husband from my life for a reason. Be it hurtful, it was still the best option. I continue to pray for him, for my children, and I pray for myself. What God has for me is for me!

Wilona



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